Happy New Year!

Of course it is such a cliche to say that year is simply flying by, but it is hard to believe that it is already April. With the end of daylight savings and the shift in temperature in the last few days, it certainly feels like the lovely long summer we have been enjoying may not last forever.

With the end of the long relaxing days of summer, it may feel like the year finally settles in to some kind of serious rhythm or routine... perhaps for some more like a military operation to juggle work, family, health, friendships, spirituality maybe, as well as prioritising ones self in there somewhere too.

I was reading a NZ Herald article today titled "Most Working Mums feel Guilty: survey". The point was made that managing stress and guilt is important for overall wellbeing. This is not at all surprising but represents an ongoing challenge for many women. The article pointed out that part of being able to manage this stress and guilt is accepting that you can't do everything. If we are able to come to terms with our limitations, we may also find it easier to be kinder to ourselves and prioritise things like exercise and relaxation - some of the other things that make it easier to manage stress and keep balance in our lives.

Sometimes in the midst of the the grind of parenthood it can be easy to miss the magical moments. Here is Donald Winnicott - the Nigel Latta of the 60's and 70's - encouraging new mothers not to take the magic for granted...

So here you are with all your eggs in one basket. What are you going to do about it? Well, enjoy yourself! Enjoy bieng thought important. Enjoy letting other people look after the world while you are producing a new one of its members. Enjoy being turned-in and almost in love with yourself, the baby is so nearly a part of you. Enjoy the way in which your man feels responsible for the welfare of you and your baby. Enjoy finding out new things about yourself. Enjoy having more right that you have ever had before to do just what you feel is good ... enjoy all this for your own sake, but the pleasure which you can get out of the messy business of infant care happens to be vitally important from the baby's point of view ... the baby takes for granted all things like the softness of the clothes and having the bath water at the right temperature. What cannot be taken for granted is the mother's pleasure that goes with the clothing and the bathing of her own baby. If you are there enjoying it all, it is like hte sun coming out for the baby.

More on why it is not selfish but responsible to attend to your own needs

This article in The Listener a few months ago was highlighting research that when parents have a good relationship, their baby is more likely to have good sleep paterns. I was intrigued by further research cited in the article:

... a group of parents of young children attended either a relationships course or a parenting course. Ten years on, the children whose parents had been through the relationships course had better behavioural and emotional outcomes - and did better at school - than the children of those who had been on the parenting course.

If you improve the dynamic between couples, you improve their ability to be good parents ... If a parent had good mental health, he or she will be more able to parent well.

When we are parents, we bring all of ourselves to that relationship. While it might seem like we can section off parts of ourselves and our experience, to really understand what is going on for a person we need to think holistically.

Read the article at http://www.listener.co.nz/issue/3658/columnists/15615/dream_team.html

I've been reading a bit about motherhood lately in preparation for the workshop I am presenting on bonding with your baby. There seems to be such a lot of discussion in magazines and other forms of media about how becoming a mother has such a huge impact on how we view ourselves, how we manage the demands and of course how well we cope with this all important role. I am convinced that the best preparation for motherhood - and fatherhood for that matter - is to be aware of what you bring into the relationship with your child.

Our past experiences affect us in ways that we can be completely unaware of. When we find ourselves feeling an unexpected troubling emotion or reacting in surprising way to somthing we have had to deal with, we can be stunned and wonder "my goodness where did that come from?!!" When things are beyond our conscious awareness it is difficult to change the emotion or behaviour.

Here's a quote from the May 2010 Mindfood magazine (see mindfood.com) article titled "Motherhood vs Me" :

So much parenting advice ... ignores the fact that it is the mother's state of consciousness that has a major impact on the child

and

Be aware of how you were mothered as this impacts on your own instincts. You may have been smothered, ignored, had overly strict parents, or been emotionally abused. When you become a mother, the challenges and tiredness can break down your usual resistance, and the old feelings from childhood can arise. It is better to take time out and get help than have these feelings affect your sellbeing and risk passing the issues along for your children to have to manage.